


free of what you keep inside

by helloearthlings



Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Depression, During Canon, Friendship, Gen, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-27 16:48:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15028904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helloearthlings/pseuds/helloearthlings
Summary: Sammy figures he isn’t going to see Ben until the new year – Ben had hugged him briefly last night, told him merry Christmas, so Sammy isn’t counting on seeing a lot of Ben Arnold. He already misses Ben which isn’t healthy, not at all. He can’t care about someone again, it hurts too much, but Ben’s wormed his way into Sammy’s life and Sammy can’t exactly dispel him now. Ben’s a part of him whether he likes it or not.But Ben texts him two days after the show is done.Duuuuuuude I’m so bored wtf. Come to Rose’s with me tomorrow but at like, a normal time. I miss your sarcasm.





	free of what you keep inside

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I wrote a Christmas fic in June, and no, you can't judge me. I'm going to my first Pride parade tomorrow and I guess I'm anxious as hell about it??? Ah, small town-enforced internalized homophobia, you really do follow me wherever I go. 
> 
> Anyway, fic is set during Sammy's first Christmas in King Falls because we're all gluttons for angst here, though this is pretty cute if I do say so myself. Hope you like, thanks for reading!!

“You going anywhere for Christmas, Sammy?”

Sammy doesn’t want to respond to Troy’s question and excuses himself from answering for another second by downing his cup of coffee, but when he sets his mug down on the countertop at Rose’s, Troy’s looking at him expectantly.

“Uh, no, probably not,” Sammy manages to sound nonchalant as he pushes his pancakes around with his fork a little. “What about you?”

He’s good at deflecting, but if the gentle look in Troy’s eyes means anything, Troy can probably tell that Sammy’s about as sad and pathetic as they come when it comes to the holidays.

_It wasn’t always like this,_ I _wasn’t always like this,_ Sammy can’t say out loud.

“We’ll go down to Loretta’s folks’ place in Big Pine for Christmas Eve supper,” Troy tells him, “but we’ll be back here on Christmas morning if you wanted to stop by. Ben’s Christmas present from me is still – ah, en route to King Falls, but I’ve got somethin’ for you too.”

“Thanks, Troy,” Sammy says, surprised but touched, trying not to blush because he hadn’t gotten Troy anything yet. He’s going to, was already planning on getting him something, he just hadn’t thought of what yet. “I – I appreciate it, but I don’t want to infringe on your family Christmas, alright?”

“Wouldn’t be infringing,” Troy says, earnest and genuine as ever. “Not by a long shot.”

“I’m not really a Christmas person,” Sammy says with a shrug, already knowing that when Christmas comes around and he’s drinking alone in his apartment, he’s going to regret to taking Troy up on his offer. But Sammy’s very attached to feeling like shit, and it would feel too much like betraying Jack if Sammy enjoys himself at Christmas.

He knows its bullshit. He knows Jack would rather Sammy enjoy his friends than be miserable without him, but Sammy’s always going to be miserable without Jack, so why try?

“Well, you know where you find me if you change your mind,” Troy says, patting Sammy’s shoulder. Sammy appreciates the gesture even if he can’t quite accept the kindness.

“What are you getting Ben, anyway?” Sammy asks to change the subject, casting a look at Ben’s empty seat beside him. He ran back to the station because he’d forgotten his laptop, and his food’s getting cold.

Troy chuckles. “Oh, that’s a surprise.”

“Come on…” Sammy starts to tease good-naturedly, hoping the conversation won’t come up again.

* * *

 

It comes up when Ron comes in for an interview after the close of the Bareback Bear Festival, which Ben _still_ doesn’t get after all of this time, and Sammy’s near-constant puns. He and Ron have a good time messing with Ben, and Ron hangs out with them for most of the morning, tagging along in Sammy’s car as they head down to Rose’s for their usual breakfast.

“You headed out of town for the holidays?” Sammy asks to be conversational and Ron shakes his head.

“Nah, Kingsie’ll and I will spend Christmas together like always,” Ron says, an affectionate smile on his face that Sammy knows isn’t directed at him but at the lake monster. He tries not to be offended. “My sister’s coming down from Montana, which’ll be a fun time. You got any family willing to come make the trek up the mountains?”

Sammy looks steadfastly at the road. “Not really.”

Ron hums, low and understanding. “Family’s…not too supportive?” 

Sammy knows Ron knows – has no idea how Ron knows, and he’s definitely missing a few Jack-oriented details about exactly who Sammy is, but he knows the baseline. It doesn’t scare Sammy – it’s Ron. Ron’s the guy Sammy always wished he was capable of being, the kind of guy Sammy’s always going to look up to. Sammy doesn’t mind that he knows, just so long as he doesn’t find out the other bit, the more important one.

“Not exactly,” Sammy mutters, and Ron’s quiet. He knows it’s an invitation to move forward. Because they’re alone, and have another ten minutes in the car together, he takes it. “Haven’t seen my dad since I graduated college. Whenever I went visited home, my dad always made an excuse not to be there. Eventually, I stopped going home. My mom used to come see me, once in a while, but…”

Something twists and snaps in Sammy’s chest. His mom used to beg him to break things off with Jack, try to make a real life for himself, write for a newspaper or something more palatable, settle down with a nice girl. She’d given up on him a couple years ago though, and instead of visiting, she would call.

He knows his mom knows that Jack is gone. She left a rambling voicemail about it, saying maybe it was for the best, that he could get his life back on track now. That’s when Sammy stopped returning the calls.

“I get it,” Ron says when he realizes Sammy isn’t going to go on. “Well, you’re always welcome at my place, holidays or otherwise. Kingsie would love to see you there for Christmas dinner.”

“Don’t tell me you set a place for her at the table,” Sammy falls back on his snarkiness so as not to respond to the more emotional bit, and Ron guffaws.

“Every year, Sammy. Every year.”

Ron doesn’t bring it up again, but he gives Sammy one of his signature bear hugs when they say goodbye outside Rose’s a couple of hours later, and it feels tighter than usual.

* * *

 

Mary didn’t ask for it, but Sammy goes to her house to give her a check mid-December. He makes small talk in her kitchen for a couple of minutes, lets her ramble about her kids for a second, and then offers it to her without a word.

“ _Sammy_ ,” Mary’s voice is irritated but her eyes are soft and kind, and she looks as if she might start welling up.

“For Christmas,” Sammy explains hastily, knowing that Mary won’t take kindly to anything else. “So you can get the kids something nice. And get yourself something nice, too. Alright?”

 “You’re too sweet,” Mary says, sounding a little rough around the edges and frowning heavily in Sammy’s direction, but the affection behind her words is clear. “You got anywhere to go for the holidays?”

She asks like she already knows the answer, and Sammy obliges her with a shake of his head. “Not really.”

“Not headed back to the big city?” Mary studies his face. Sammy swallows, not quite meeting her eye. What the hell would he do in Los Angeles? No one that he cares about is there, not anymore. Jack’s gone. Lily’s out on the east coast, wouldn’t want to see him anyway. He doesn’t really have anybody that isn’t here in King Falls.

“Nope,” Sammy says, trying to keep his voice light. “I’ll hang out here, see what Christmas in King Falls is like.”

“You’re always welcome with our family, you know that, right?” Mary asks. “ _Always_. No questions asked.”

It’s an invitation to be here, an invitation to come to Mary’s house for Christmas and not talk about anything, and Sammy wants so badly to take it but he can’t, he can’t, he’s not going to let himself.

“I appreciate it, Mary,” Sammy says. “But really, I’m fine.”

“Well, Ron always has a fun New Year’s party, so you’ll come to that,” Mary reaches forward to pat Sammy’s hand. “And – and thank you, Sammy. For everything. I don’t know what I – _we_ – would do without you.”

Her smile makes Sammy feel like he’s worth something. That’s a dangerous feeling, and a wholly inaccurate one, and he stows the warmth away immediately to save it for another day.

* * *

 

It’s the day after the radio station goes on break – Sammy has no idea what he’s going to do for two fucking weeks without the show. Without Ben.

He’s been dreading this all month, and now it’s here, and starts drinking almost immediately. He’s been mostly sober since May, but he figures no one will notice if he spends the next two weeks slipping in and out of consciousness.

It’s nice to have no obligations to anyone or anything, so Sammy can finally have a well-deserved mental breakdown after struggling to stay afloat for almost a year.

Almost a year.

Sammy can’t think about that for too long without wanting stronger liquor, and he’s gonna have to pace himself.

Sammy figures he isn’t going to see Ben until the new year – Ben had hugged him briefly last night, told him merry Christmas, so Sammy isn’t counting on seeing a lot of Ben Arnold. He already misses Ben which isn’t healthy, not at all. He can’t care about someone again, it hurts too much, but Ben’s wormed his way into Sammy’s life and Sammy can’t exactly dispel him now. Ben’s a part of him whether he likes it or not.

But Ben texts him two days after the show is done.

_Duuuuuuude I’m so bored wtf. Come to Rose’s with me tomorrow but at like, a normal time. I miss your sarcasm._

Ben’s the master of double texting, so it’s immediately followed by a _my life is pointless and empty without you and whatnot. Buy me pancakes._

The combination of his drunkenness and Ben’s obvious affection flood Sammy’s system with some ridiculously soft emotion he didn’t even know he was capable of feeling anymore and he texts back _buy your own damn pancakes. But yeah, 10 good?_

Sammy makes an effort to sober himself up before he goes to Rose’s. Ben’s already in their regular booth, cross-legged as he looks at the menu even though  he gets practically the same thing every day. He lights up when he sees Sammy though, obviously happy to see him.

That’s good. Sammy’s happy to see him, too.

“Hey, dude,” Ben says enthusiastically as Sammy sits down opposite him, grabbing a menu even though he also gets practically the same thing every day. “How’s holiday break treating you?”

He doesn’t even give Sammy time to answer before he keeps talking but that’s okay, Sammy would be too embarrassed to be honest with Ben about what he’s been doing the past three days.

“I’m already sick of it,” Ben says with a roll of his eyes. “I’m that guy who hated summer break in school because I ran out of things to do so quickly. I need to be busy to function! But also, like, it’s been three days since I’ve seen you and I’m petitioning Troy to make that illegal. I missed you so much I had a dream about you last night where you kept snapping rubber bands in my direction on the show all night, and instead of being annoyed I was just grateful to see you. Sickening, right? We can’t be apart for this long again, man, I don’t think I can take it.”

“Missed you too, buddy,” Sammy laughs, a warm and pleasant feeling in his chest.

Ben sighs dramatically, almost whines a little. “But you’re going somewhere for Christmas, right? Leaving me all alone again to dream of you and rubber bands?”

“Uh…no?” Sammy says, wondering where the hell Ben got that idea. Sammy didn’t exactly give off a vibe of having friends or family somewhere else. “I’m in King Falls for the whole break.”

Ben grins. “Really? Awesome! But like, I could’ve sworn you were going somewhere – maybe the same place you went for Thanksgiving? I don’t remember.”

“I also did not go anywhere for Thanksgiving,” Sammy says slowly, cocking his head. “Ben, where are you getting your information? Especially when you could’ve just asked me?”

“I don’t remember,” Ben says with a frown. “I guess I just assumed. But dude, you totally could’ve come to my place for Thanksgiving if you weren’t going anywhere – I just thought you were. Now I feel bad.”

“It’s alright,” Sammy says, nudging Ben’s foot with his own when Ben doesn’t smile. “It’s just Thanksgiving.”

“But you’re not going anywhere for Christmas either?” Ben asks, and Sammy shakes his head. Ben looks concerned and pitying for half a second, but then he smiles. “Alright, I’ll make up for it now – you’ll come to my place for Christmas.”

“Ben, you don’t have to –” Sammy starts, his usual defenses up. As always, Ben steamrolls past them.

“No, I want to,” Ben says, earnest and wide-eyed. “And it’s your first Christmas in King Falls – we can do the tree lighting and the parade and all the cliché small town stuff, it’ll be super fun! And my mom and I always do a thing on Christmas Eve –”

“Ben, I can’t infringe –” Sammy says weakly, but already knows this is a losing battle, because Ben Arnold is fucking impossible to say no to.

“We’re Jewish, we already did all of our Hanukah stuff,” Ben says with a wave of his hand. “Christmas stuff is a bonus since neither of us ever has work off for Hanukah. Besides, my mom likes you.”

“Have I met your mom?” Sammy asks, not having a memory of it but Ben’s talking like he has.

“I don’t think so, but she listens to the show, always asks about you when I visit,” Ben says. “She thinks you’re a _good influence_.”

“Me?” Sammy blinks and they both peel off into laughter, Ben wiping at his eyes.

“I know, it’s absolutely ridiculous – so you’ll have to meet her and prove her wrong, right? Right. It’s settled. You’ll come over for Christmas. Also, do you wanna go to Big Pine and see the new Star Wars movie tonight? The reviews online say it’s good, but ever since the prequels betrayed me…”

Ben rambles on, animated and happy, and Sammy realizes that a part of him, even if it’s a small part, is happy too.

* * *

 

Ben’s wine drunk on Christmas Eve and sprawled out in his mother’s living room, his feet propped up in Sammy’s lap as he snuffles, half asleep.

Betty laughs at Ben when she comes back into the room from the kitchen, and hands Sammy a glass of water. “He does this every year. I keep thinking his alcohol tolerance is bound go up someday…”

“Well, he’s so small, he doesn’t have anywhere to put it,” Sammy jokes and Betty laughs at him, her eyes affectionate.

“He’d kill me if he knew I was saying this,” Betty says, her voice a little conspiratorial. “But I’m so glad you moved to town, Sammy. Ben’s always been just a little out of place no matter where he goes, and he’s never had a close friend like you before. But you’re so good for him – he’s so happy when he’s around you. I just wanted to thank you for that.”

“I – you’re welcome,” Sammy says, looking at Ben as he snores to keep from looking Betty in the eye and saying something overly emotional. “I – Ben’s…amazing, really. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

Betty smiles at him, soft and affectionate, and reaches over to pat his elbow. “It’s good that you have each other now. When he was a kid, Ben always wanted a brother.”

Sammy realizes after she says that that really is exactly how he thinks of Ben – the brother he never had, the genuine connection he’d been missing in his life. Ben had fit so naturally, it was like he had to have been there from the start.

“I never had a brother either,” Sammy says quietly, and doesn’t keep talking because he doesn’t trust himself not to tear up.

Betty smiles at her sleeping son before turning to Sammy and saying “Well, I don’t think Ben’s moving again tonight, and he sleeps like the dead. Go on up to his old room upstairs, I’m sure he won’t mind.”

“Betty, I can really just drive home –” Sammy starts clumsily but Betty shushes him.

“I won’t have it,” she says, faux-strict, but there’s a twinkle in her eye. “Santa’s coming tonight, after all.”

“The real Santa?” Sammy says, not able to stop a giddy laugh from bubbling up, but Betty just shakes her head, refusing to say.

Sammy pushes Ben’s feet off of his legs and makes his way up the stairs. Ben’s old room is tiny, still has action figures and Star Wars posters hanging on the walls, probably from when he was a teenager. It feels like home in a way Sammy’s empty apartment just can’t.

Sammy thinks of Jack and there isn’t a part of him that doesn’t ache with bone-tired sadness, but now there’s a part of him with Ben Arnold’s name on it that the sadness can’t quite touch right now, and it’s enough to get him through another day.


End file.
